Adrian Horning's Blog

The 10 commandments of being a real fan

November 25, 2018

1. Thou shalt root for the team that was geographically closest to thee when thou grewest up

This is equivalent to why you root for the United States in the Olympics: cause you’re from there you moron! You don’t see US citizens rooting for Germany do you!?

Don’t be one of these idiots rooting for the Warriors or the Steelers. Even the real fans of the team you’re rooting for don’t like you. This is because of Commandment 9.

Now I know some of you moved around a lot, and to this I say: I’m sorry. You’re an orphan. You, unfortunately, can’t be considered a real fan until you have experienced Commandment 9.

2. Thou shalt not “choose a team”

See Commandment 1.

3. If thou moves to a new city, thine home team trumps new city team

You can be a casual fan of the new team, but you cannot talk shit on behalf of the new team to other fans until you have lived there long enough to have experienced Commandment 9. Even then, your “team” is the team from your childhood, see Commandment 1.

4. Thou shalt not switch teams just because thy team sucketh

See Commandment 2.

5. Thou shalt watch the entire game

Don’t tell me you want to beat traffic, or your team is losing. The game isn’t over until it’s over. Suck it up and suffer through it. Thou wilt suffer everlasting shame and regret if the team comes back.

6. Thou shalt talk shit to other fans

Also see Commandment 8.

7. Thou shalt not talk trash to another fan if thou art a fairweather fan

See Commandment 9. The true fan rides the team in good times and bad. Fairweather fans are basically committing adultery with whatever team is doing well.

8. Thou shalt respect thine opponent and thy opponents fans

Thou shalt have fun with trash talking, but just remember: karma has a way of coming back to bite you….

9. Thou must suffer to consider thyself a true fan

You can only experience the true joy of winning if you have suffered through a God awful season.

10. Thou shalt not miss big games

Dates, wedding, hanging out with friends? Forget about it. Love requires sacrifice.